My little Nan

My nan died on the 31st October (She picked a crazy day!!!!!)
Her funeral was on 14th and i couldnt go cos it was back home and im not allowed to fly now cos im over 32 weeks and my mum wouldnt let me get the boat cos it would be a whole day of travelling and she thought it would be too much for me!
I felt so crap on Tuesday, knowing that everyone was there to say goodbye and i couldnt be there! I know my nan would want me to look after myself and my aunt said that i didnt have to be at the funeral to say goodbye cos my nan can hear me wherever she is, but i just felt so sad!

My nan was so cool!! She was one of my favorite people when i was growing up and she was always brilliant to me. She had a stroke 5 years ago and lived with us for 2 years but then went into a home. I always sent her Dublin postcards to tell her what we were getting up to over here, now i really miss being able to do that!! Im sad for the person she used to be, cos more recently she went down hill and wasnt always 100% aware of what was going on around her.
In the past year 4 members of my family have died, obviously my dad was the hardest! I just wish it would stop now! Its not fair that this keeps happening to us! I think that we all deserve a bit of a break now! There's not many of us left now!!!!
At least we have someone really special arriving in 4 weeks (you had better not be late baby!!!) and we're all so excited!! I really really cant wait to just meet the baby now!! Im so excited to know whether its a boy or a girl!! oooooo.....cant wait!!!

Only 6 weeks left....

...im 34 weeks today and im so excited to just meet the baby now!

Having a nice day.

Had a cool day today!! Just slobbed out round the house!! Was really grumpy this morning but think that was just because we got back off our holidays yesterday and i had the 'back at home' blues!! We went food shopping - love it- and planted some seeds in our little 'garden' on our balcony, then spent the afternoon snuggled up on the sofa with Leo, watching crappy Saturday tv!!!!The baby is flapping around like a nut now!! Really weird feeling!!
Great day
xxxx

Oo..we're going to Ibiza

Im so excited!! We're going in the morning!! Have to leave for the airport at 4:30!! I love getting up that early when you know you're going on holiday!!! Cant wait!!!

Last time in London as non-parents

Just got home to London and im so happy to see my mum and Chris but im really not looking forward to tomorrow, feel like we're wasting a whole day on that stupid wedding when we could be doing other stuff!!!! Ahhhh!!!!
My brother felt the baby kick tonight but every time mum tried to feel it it stopped moving! She's preying it kicks her before we go home on sunday!! Im sure it will... i'll send it 'kick her' vibes!!
My back is killing me from sitting on the aeroplane and the trains!! Its always hurting me now, probably something to do with the fact that i have a big heavy beach ball attached to my belly!! Hehe!
We were thinking earlier that this is the last time im going to be back home without the baby. Next time i set foot in London im going to be a mummy. Its amazing!! Its still not sinking in 100%, we've only got 15 weeks left until we're officially parents.
We had a check up this morning and Lee heard the baby's heart beating for the first time, he was amazed!! He still cant get over it. Its so lovely sharing this with him, he makes me feel so special and i think that we're both so lucky to be able to share this with each other. I really cant wait to meet our tiny little person now!!!!!!!

You can pick your friends...

Going home on Friday, for the weekend!! Woohoo!!! But we have to go to my horrible aunts wedding and i really dont want to!! My dads sister and brother were really nasty to him when he was dying, they didnt give a crap about helping him out and just being there (i think my aunt visited twice in the year that he was sick and she only lives a little while away!).
My dad did everything to help them out when they needed him and when he needed something back (nothing much, just for them to care) they weren't there for him. I'll never forgive them for hurting him so much when he knew he was going to die. My mum feels like she has to go because if she doesnt then she is the one who has snubbed them and they'll have something bad to say about her but at least if she goes she wont ever have to do anything with them again! I can understand what she's saying but i still wanna snub them and show them that i dont like them for what they did to my dad!!! He said to me that once he died i would never have to speak to them again if i dont want to so i know he wouldnt expect me to go to this stupid wedding if i didnt want to. The only reason im going is to look after my mum because they tried to start a fight with her at the funeral and i know they'll have something to say on Saturday!! They're horrible people!!!

Father Christmas is bringing me the best present ever!!!

Im back and i finally have some good news, Im 5 months pregnant!!
Im so happy!
The baby is due on 15th December (knowing my luck it'll be 10 days over due and i'll be screaming on Christmas Day!!) and i cant wait, im trying to forget that i actually have to go through all the labour crap, its easy blanking it if you dont read the books too much!!
The baby's kicking around loads now, its such a cool feeling!! Lee felt it kick for the first time yesterday and he was so excited. It gave him a proper boot in the hand!!
We dont know if it is a boy or a girl, Lee wont let me find out (party pooper!!) but i suppose it all adds to the fun of waiting for it.

Im Back...

Hello everyone, finally back in London for a few days!! Im glad to be here cos i missed mum and chris! But Lee stayed in Ireland (long story, tell you in a minute!) so i miss him!! My wolly of a boyfriend snapped his Achilles Tendon a few weeks ago, playing gaelic football, and he had to get an operation to fix it back into place (YUCK!!!!). So because he's in a cast they didnt want him to fly incase of blood clots!! Bless him though because this week he was supposed to be going to Spain on a Stags weekend!!! So he's in Dublin all on his lonesome, im here and ALL of his friends are in Spain!! :(
Me and my mum are doing the Race 4 Life tomorrow. Im actually really excited even though i didnt train for it AT ALL!! So im gonna be a big fat sloth dragging myself along the course!! hehe!! It'll be fun though, with my mum!!
It was my birthday last week. It was a bit strange because it was the first one without my dad, so i didnt know how to react to it, it just seemed like another day. But all my friends and family messaged me and sent me cards and presents and Lee made a big deal out of the day and made me feel nice. I came home last night and my mum bought me a digital camcorder/camera and it is amazing! I havent put it down since last night and now i have crazy pictures of literally everything in the house!! hahaha!!
We went up to dads grave today because it is his birthday tomorrow. We bought a few different shaped helium balloons (a whale, a monkey and one that says "My dad is the best") that mean things to us and we bought a big buddah statue (Because one of the kids said my dad looked like a buddah!!), we put my dads personalized number plate on the grave and covered it in blue hearts and white stars confetti!! We bought flowers and an England flag and lion (for the world cup because dad wanted to see the tournament), some flower windmills and a metalwork fairy and a candle with "dad" on it! So now the grave looks lovely and bright and exactly what dad deserves!!!

My Speech

This is my little speech for my dads funeral on Thursday;

I found writing this really hard. How do you write about one of the most important people in your life? Someone who has always been there no matter what and who gave you complete unconditional love…
I remember the first time I realised that we all die. I was watching a program with dad on the Egyptian mummies and I got really upset because I didn’t want my family to die. Dad gave me a cuddle and told me that when I was older I would understand, that made me feel better and I was happy with the fact that I’d go to heaven and be able to meet Freddie Mercury!!!! I hope Dads up there now with him because it was his music that we loved. Me, Dad and Chris would put Queen CDs on at full blast, while mum was at work on Sundays, and sing and dance in the dark. To this day Queen are my favourite band because their music holds such special memories for me.
Dad told me and Chris to play ‘The Show Must Go On’ today. That truly was his philosophy to everything, including his illness. He never gave in, even when me and him were arguing. We were both so stubborn, if he was right, I was righter and neither of us would back down!! He fought against his illness right up till the day before he died. The song says ‘I’ll face it with a grin, I’m never giving in’ and that’s exactly what dad did, with his cheeky smile. We all talked a lot about today before dad died. He didn’t want today to be all depressing and sad. He wanted it to be a FUNeral, not a funeral. I’m so proud of him, how he kept on cracking jokes and fought it so hard because he didn’t want to leave us.
A few weeks before he died he asked me if me and Chris blamed him for being sick because he smoked. Even when he was really sick he still thought about us and felt guilty. We could never blame him. He was so strong and didn’t deserve to be ill. He looked after us our whole lives and never let us down, how would we be able to blame him.
Even though Dad has died I still believe that I have a dad. He’s alive in our memories and when we talk about him. He helped turn me into who I am and I’m glad that I have the same annoying traits as him. No matter what happens he’s always there in who I am.

Dad, as Freddie Mercury said ‘your soul is painted like the wings of butterflies’, enjoy it up there and keep looking after us.

I'll Face It With a Grin...

Empty spaces - what are we living for
Abandoned places - I guess we know the score
On and on, does anybody know what we are looking for...
Another hero, another mindless crime
Behind the curtain, in the pantomime
Hold the line, does anybody want to take it anymore

The show must go on,
Inside my heart is breaking
My make-up may be flaking
But my smile still stays on
Whatever happens,
I'll leave it all to chance
Another heartache, another failed romance
On and on, does anybody know what we are living for?
I guess I'm learning
I must be warmer now
I'll soon be turning
Round the corner now
Outside the dawn is breaking
But inside in the dark
I'm aching to be free....

The show must go on,
The show must go on,
Inside my heart is breaking
My make-up may be flaking
But my smile still stays on.

My soul is painted like the wings of butterflies
Fairytales of yesterday will grow but never die
I can fly - my friends
The show must go on

The show must go on
I'll face it with a grin
I'm never giving in
On with the show

I'll top the bill,
I'll overkill
I have to find the will to carry on
On with the show
On with the show
The show must go on.

Maybe it's Because I'm a Londoner

Hello everyone, Im back in London now. Got home last night! I couldnt wait to get home because i missed my mum and chris... but now im home i miss Lee!!! He is coming over on Tuesday and his sister and her kids are coming over on Wednesday!It was really weird flying last night because i was flying home for my dads funeral and it just felt really unreal and strange!! :( I still dont think its properly sunk in yet! Im worried abit that its just gonna come up one day and wack me in the face... cos im over having little moments of being upset at the moment!
When i was on the plane home last saturday it really hit me that my dad is gone. I had a little cry with Lee. I think that it was the fact that i was going back to every day life and that was the end of it, it was all normal and everyone else was getting on with their lives! I got really upset on Sunday night because i was back to work on Monday morning and i was really nervous about getting back into the swing of things! I knew i would be ok once i actually got into work (when you're surrounded by little kids, in a creche, you dont have a choice but to get on with it) but i just didnt want to make the effort and go in!! Lee told me it was normal... i dont want people to forget about my dad! I think thats what upset me most, i know its common and ok to feel this way, but i just felt like getting back to normal was gonna make everyone forget about him!! But everyone talked to me about my dad when i got to work and no one forgot about it!!
Im actually glad that there is 3 weeks between dad dying and his actual funeral. In Ireland people are normally buried with in 3 days. I dont know if i like that though. It took me a week and a half for it to actually register properly in my head that dad had died so if he had already been buried in that time it would've been a massive hit because that would have been everything over and done with and it really would have been just getting on with our lives. At least this way we have had time to really get used to it and it means we can give dad a last present from us by making his funeral EXACTLY what he wanted. Lee told me that when his mum died the funeral was just a blur to him and even now he doesnt remember some bits.... it was all such a rush. At least we can take in the whole day and remember it all! :)

Going Back Today...

Im back off to Ireland this afternoon, so i wont be able to write for a week! Im coming back next saturday and spending the week here, for my dads funeral! It feels strange that im going back because i've been here for nearly 3 weeks straight and now i have to go back to work and all that crap!

Race for Life

Im so tired today, i think everything has just caught up on me now...
Me and mum booked to take part in a Race For Life in Crystal Palace, for Cancer Research UK. Its on my dads birthday so we HAD to do it, it was like fate! :P It'll be fun plus we'll be getting money to help.
The kids all came back today so we had to just get back to normal. It was good but i think thats why im so tired because i've been on autopilot for the past few days, looking after mum and Chris and making millions of cups of tea and coffee, so today i think my mind just relaxed because mum was ok. All of the kids were fine today, they all gave us cuddles and just acted normal. They're all so sensitive and lovely!
Lee is coming over tomorrow and i cant wait to see him. I havent seen him for over a week and he really is my support so im so glad that he is gonna be here. He is really upset as well because him and my dad were really good friends, they didnt see each other as 'Stacey's boyfriend' and 'stacey's dad', they were just friends! They used to sit up all night, while we were on holiday, talking about EVERYTHING and they used to go to the pub together whenever we were home, so its sad for Lee because he has lost his friend and he feels useless being over in Ireland because he wants to be looking after me and my family! He told me that he just wants to give me a cuddle!! I cant wait to get a big fat Lee snuggle!! :P

My Make-up May Be Flaking.....

Everything is completely surreal!! We're kinda on autopilot!! Im so glad we are so close cos we are talking loads and getting things sorted exactly the way dad wanted them!! We've organised all the funeral and everything! Its not until 3 weeks, which is really crap because i have to go back to Ireland for a week then come back! :( Its strange but half of me is looking forward to it because it is going to be our way of showing just how much he meant to us and there are going to be lots of friends there that we havent seen for ages!!
We're having feelings in waves. One minute we're in fits of laughter thinking about things that we've done and the way Dad was, then the next minute we're crying because something we think about makes us sad!! Its craziness!! It still hasnt really sunk in that my dad is never coming back!! The thing is i may not have dad here physically here but i still have a dad and i know he's here with me!!
We went shopping today for clothes for dads funeral. It was so hard! My mum found it really hard! The first shop we went into was the last place dad went shopping in... He lost loadsa weight so they went shopping to get him some new clothes. He was so proud when he found stuff to fit him. So today it upset my mum, knowing he wasnt ever going to do that again! :( We all got cool clothes.... We're wearing black but we're not being all traditional and sad. My nan died in October and i wore a black hat to cover my pink hair and my dad told me not to wear it because i should just be who i am and it isnt disrespectful because its just me!! So even though im wearing black to dads funeral they are going to be clothes that i'd normally wear. Thats what dad wanted!

The End

My dad died yesterday morning, at 5:25.

9 Pink and Blue Balloons.

Today was a crazy day!!!!!
Firstly we had our regular 2 nurses in this morning, then my uncle turned up on his way to work. Then my mum and dads friend Kim came round and we had a nice chat. She's been round loads since my dad got really sick and its so nice for them to have such good friends! She went in to my dad and was talking to him and he reacted to her abit so we know he can still hear us (they do say that hearing is the last sense to go). Then my Aunt came round, then my grandad. Then the councillor woman came round for a little chat. Then the priest came again.... he gave my dad absolution which is kinda like the CoE version of the Catholic last rights, but not so depressing. We had a nice chinwag and an unhealthy dose of tea and coffee... then it was time to pick all the nutter kids up from school!!
Me and mum were talking today about what songs we think we should have at dads funeral (how freaky is it arranging all this and he isnt even dead yet!!!) and i think we are more or less sorted now! My mum was worried that certain people in his family are going to try to take over all the organising of it, but we have everything done now so their is nothing for them to take over. They havent really been around the whole time my dad was ill so why should they come in and think they have the right to choose whats best for him when he's dead? Its too late then, they should have been around when it mattered!
I have a killer head ache!!! Think it's just cos im tired!! :(
My mum had a really good idea today. She said that we should buy a helium balloon for each one of the kids that she looks after and write their names on them, then tie them all together and have them at the funeral instead of flowers. Its such a cool idea because balloons are such a happy thing and would be a good symbol from the kids to dad! I think we all underestimated the kids when my dad was first diagnosed. We didnt really think about how this would affect them all. A lot of them have been here since they were babies so my dad was always a prominant figure in their lives and they watched him slowly get more sick. None of them have seen him now because he is in bed but they still ask after him and give us hugs to give to him. Sometimes it is so nice to just have a simple conversation with them about it because everything is so black and white and uncomplicated with them.... A nan of one of the boys was diagnosed with breast cancer last week, but his mum doesnt want to tell him she has cancer, she just said that she is sick, because he has seen my dad the whole way through his illness and she knows he'll probably associate cancer with death and hopefully his nan will recover from this but she doesnt want to frighten him.

There's Always Someone Worse Off...

Since i started this diary (all of 3 days ago) i've read loads of other peoples. I always believed that no matter how bad off you are there is always someone out there who is worse off than you, so there is no point in feeling sorry for yourself! While i was reading through here i've come across a lot of people who are genuinely in a worse position than me and i know how lucky i am to have all the good things that i have!
Lee has said to me in the past that everybody has to go through the grief of losing somebody, so im not a special case, and i just have to deal with it!! at the time i felt like he was being mean but its only afterwards that i've realised he is actually telling the truth and i dont want people feeling sorry for me or my family and i dont want to feel sorry for myself!
Even though my dad is dying and that is killing me, at least we have millions of memories to look back on! Seriously, my family have done so much together and we've always been really close! Im so proud and happy that i have the family that i have because i've seen how death and sickness can affect other families and literally pull them apart.
Dad has half planned his funeral already! He said that he wants a horse and carriage (like my grandad) and he knows which graveyard he wants to go to. The funeral directors we are going to use, Albins, are originally from where my dad grew up and they know some of our family, they also buried my nan and grandad!! Its a strange world because we used to own a green grocers, which was the first home my brother lived in when he was born, its now a funeral home owned by Albins and that is going to be my dads last resting place... It was my brothers first place and now its going to be my dads last, as well as my grandads!! Its so wierd to think about it like that! My dad was never really religious... he always believed there was something out there but he didnt really go in for all the religion stuff, but he wanted to meet the priest that is going to do his funeral. So the priest has been round twice (and is coming tomorrow) to meet us all and he is really lovely. My dad wanted the priest to know what he was like because he hates the way funerals are so scripted... the priest saying that he's heard the deceased was a lovely person!! WHAT A CROCK OF SHIT!!!
I went to the florist the other day to see if they could make up the wreath i want for my dads funeral... Im getting him a big face of Animal from the Muppets because that was always his nickname and he used to call me Beaker from the Muppets! Its completely surreal ordering flowers for somebody who hasnt even died yett! i've also been thinking about what im going to wear for his funeral!! Its mad what goes through your head when you have nothing else to think about!! My dad was always really proud about how i didnt dress the way everybody else did and he had a moan at me when my nan died because i wore a black hat to cover my pink hair and he didnt want me to. So even though i think im going to wear black for his funeral, its definately not going to be the normal skirt, shirt and jacket crap!!! It sounds real morbid but when Dad was better we talked about his funeral a few times and he was adament that he didnt want it to be all doom and gloom, he said he wanted a FUNeral!!! so even though its going to be the hardest thing any of us have ever done, i know that we're not going to be all depressed and morbid!!!

Kids are insane...

This house is nuts.... i've decided!! The floor is covered with a Playmobile zoo, which no matter how many times you try to tidy it up and make it actually look like a zoo, the kids manage to wreck it all and make it look like an animal murder scene!!! Plus now im being made to suffer the pain that is CBeebies!!! Help me god!!!!
Dad had another loopy night of trying to get up and just general fidgeting! So mum phoned the night nurses and they came out and gave him some more sedative, just to calm him down. That was at about 4 but by 7 he had decided that he wanted to get up and leap about... except he cant so he ended up sitting on the floor beside the bed... me and mum tried to get him back into bed but mum has a bad back and dad couldnt do anything, so me and Chrisy did it. He's in bed now and hasnt moved all morning! Poor mum, she's been up all night and now she is working! :(
The doctor just came in a while ago and she told us that she thinks dad only has a short time left. What do you say when someone tells you that!? Mum is scared now.... its hard when something like this is happening even though you know its going to!!! I know we'll all be ok though because we're a pretty strong family and we all look out for each other and we all have brilliant mates who are there for us! :)
Even though Dad is sedated he is still vaguely aware of what is going on. I went up to him a minute ago, just to see if he is alright! I asked him if he was ok and he's trying to talk but he's impossible to understand!! Its so hard leaving the room afterwards because i was thinking is there something he is trying to say that i cant understand!!! Is it important or is it nonsense again? Its such an empty feeling because im useless!

My Poor Little Pops

The nurses have upped dads drugs now so he is more sedated now that he was, so he is calmer!
My mum is feeling really guilty now because he is so sedated! She is worried that this is the last time he'll know we're around but its better that he doesnt know anything than him knowing we're there but being frustrated!! Its so hard and it still feels like its a completely different world, it doesnt seem real!!
The nurses went through what we have to do when Dad dies, we've had to get the number of the GP and the funeral directors at hand just incase! It seems crazy to be doing all that cos its still not sinking in yet that he's going to die. I dont think it's going to hit me until it actually happens. He originally decided that he wanted to go into the hospice to die but when he got more sick he was scared to go in... It was the final stage for him, so he decided to stay at home, which my mum was completely fine with.
He is literally sleeping all the time now! I feel so useless when i look at him and i feel so sorry for the fact that he cant do anything anymore! My mum is so upset today. It must be so hard for her, watching the man she loves dying. They've been together longer than they have been apart! They got married when they were 18 and knew each other from when they were about 13!! I would be devastated if i lost Lee and we've only been together for 4 years, so i cant even imagine how she feels now she is losing dad after all these years!! I know she'll be ok though because she is the most amazingly strong person in the whole world and i am so proud of her and im glad i have her to look after me and me to look after her!! :)

The Wrong Trousers Gromit...

Right, Im over in London for two weeks and i only discovered this morning that i have left my tracksuit bottoms at home in Dublin so i only have two pairs of jeans and some crappy bottoms my brother gave me....thats all i have for 2 WEEKS!!! Help me!!!
My mum was up all night with my dad because he decided that after a whole day of being sleepy and quiet he was going to spend the whole night trying to get out of bed! I told her to call me if she needs anything in the night but she says one of us needs to be sane during the day.
My brother was mugged last week so he was off school for the whole of last week because he got punched in the face and had to have stitches in his lip (yuck!!!!!)... its his first day back today, bet he is loving all the attention he's getting!! I'd be layering it on thick!! :P
Had left over pizza for breakfast which was nice except for the garlic breath i now have for the rest of the day!! Woohoo!!
I literally have nothing to do all day... all im doing is helping mum out with dad and the kids... but when there is nothing to do im just sitting on here all the time, hence the mass of writing and double entries!! Im glad i have this diary thing cos it gives me something to do... if i wasnt on here i'd be pulling my bleeding eyeballs out with boredom and frustration!!!! Its cool too, cos i've given the address to my mates so they can see what the story is in Chez Stacey. Im eating like a freak because there is nothing else to do... im gonna go back to Dublin like a heifer!!!
The night nurses have just been, to make sure that dad is ok. One of them, J, used to be my childminder when i was a baby (18 years ago). Mum got a bit upset that a woman who knew my dad when he was young, fit and healthy, and who looked after his daughter, is now looking after him and giving him drinks of water with a syringe!! Its so degrading and unfair. I wish i could take away some of my mums pain because it has really hit her now.

Back Home

My dad is really sick now. Its so hard looking at him so ill. He is sleeping most of the time and when he is awake, for a minute or two, he is really hard to understand and he talks about strange thing. This morning he told me he had some rottweilers for me. He must be dreaming about things and doesnt realise they aren't real. He has lost all of his weight now and he is literally skin and bones. He used to be really fat with a big beer belly so its so sad that he is so skinny now. He looks like an old man. He's spending all his time in bed now, even though he keeps trying to get up. He's too weak though so we cant let him get up otherwise he will fall. So me and mum have been spending as much time as possible upstairs with him so he knows we're there.
It must be so horrible for him. i think he must be really frustrated, he's gone from being independent to not even being allowed out of bed! Most of me wants him to stay around and i still want him to get better, but a tiny bit of me wants him to just go because then he wouldnt be suffering and be so ill. Lee's mum had a heart attack in November 2004 and was in a coma for 2 weeks before she died. Lee explained to me a while ago that at first he wished that his mum would get better but when he realised she wouldnt then he wished her to die because he didnt want her to be half of what she should have been. So i suppose it is the unselfish part of us that wants someone we love to die, its the selfish bit that wants them to stay here no matter what, because we dont want to let them go and lose them!
Me and Mum had a little cry this morning. But there is no point in getting too into the sadness otherwise we wont be able to get back out of it. So we had a little cry then got back on with it.
My mum ordered a supermarket delivery but half of it didnt come because their system crashed (yeah right!!!) so because there was no food in the house me and my brother, Chris, put on our best whiney voices and asked if we could get pizza (otherwise we would've starved obviously) so now im full up to my eyeballs with pizza and i feel like a big, tired elephant!! :P
Night night

Hello

Right, I'll start off by introducing myself. My name is Stacey and i live in Dublin. Im from London but i moved to Ireland 3 years ago because that is where my boyfriend, Lee, is from. I work in a creche, which i love, and my life is pretty happy.
A year and a half ago my dad was diagnosed with Kidney Cancer. He was only 43. On one hand it seems like so long ago but on the other had it seems to have gone way too fast. In August 2004, we were in Florida for a 2 week holiday. My dad had been suffering from pain in his side for a while but the doctor just thought it was simply kidney stones, so he'd been in for tests before the holiday and would get the results when we got home from Florida. I dont think any of us were too worried about it because we didnt think it was too serious, kidney stones are common and can be treated. Dad was a bit temperatmental during the holiday and was really struggling with the heat which was strange because we'd been to Florida a few times before and he'd never really been bothered by the heat even though he had a big fat belly. None of this stopped him and Lee sitting round the pool till 4 or 5 in the morning so we werent too worried. Then when we got home there was a letter for my dad to go to the hospital as soon as possible. This worried us a little bit but i know that i definately didnt think about cancer at all. Its something you never think will happen to you, so it didnt cross my mind. So you can imagine the smack in the face i got a while later. Me and Lee were back in Dublin and he'd just picked me up from work for lunch, when Mum phoned and told me Dad had Kidney Cancer. I just cried, i didnt know what to say, but it didnt seem real. I dont remember much about the rest of the day, i didnt go back to work that afternoon. I prayed to God that my dad would be ok, i didnt want him to die. I've never been religious but i think everyone preys to someone when something bad happens, you need something to cling to and hope for help from.
A week or so later Dad was in hospital having his kidney taken out. I dont really remember how i felt then because i must have shut it all out, that was the easy way to deal with it. The operation took almost 8 hours. The surgeon explained that it took so long because the cancer had wrapped itself around his aeorta (the major artery which goes down your spine), they'd had to unwrap it really slowly because if they had cut the artery my dad would probably have bled to death. This kinda made me realise how serious this was. The surgeon said that a lot of other surgeons would've just stitched dad back up and said there was nothing they could do rather than risk cutting the artery. Dad was lucky he had the surgeon that he did. My mum and dad were shown a picture of the kidney, which was a tiny pink dot amongst all the white cancer. The doctors said that the cancer had been there for up to 5 years. It explained the mood swings in Florida and the fact that he couldnt control his temperature, the cancer was pushing on the glands which control your mood and your temperature control so his body went a bit nuts!
A few weeks ago, on Monday 27th February, the nurses told my mum that she thought i should come home from Dublin soon because it didnt look like my dad would be around for much longer. So she phoned and we booked a flight for me to come over on the following saturday and Lee to come over on the Monday after (we've just bought an apartment and Lee's a taxi man so he has to work the weekends). I was worried but i was happy that my flights were booked and i didnt think dad was so sick that he wouldnt make it until then. Mum said that the nurses were underestimating his stubborn-ness. He wasnt about to give in. Then on the following Wednesday 29th my mum phoned me while i was at work. She said that the nurses werent sure whether dad would make it till saturday and they thought i should get home as soon as possible. The girls at work were brilliant. I let myself have a little cry to them for 5 minutes then it was all stations go. I phoned lee and he got our flights booked for that afternoon. The girls sent me home straight away even though our boss was away for the week, they covered for me until she got back, then they told her what had happened and she was really understanding. Me and Lee stayed here for a week, helping mum out. She is a childminder so she has to look after Dad at home as well as all the kids. So we did everything that we could while we were here, but a week later we had to go back to Dublin. Lee came up with the idea that i should see if i could get 2 weeks off work to come back here and give mum a hand. So i asked my boss and she was really good about it. So now im back in England, i came home last night, and my whole life is all over the place.
Im going to try and write in here as often as possible.
Thanks for readingxx