My nan died on the 31st October (She picked a crazy day!!!!!)
Her funeral was on 14th and i couldnt go cos it was back home and im not allowed to fly now cos im over 32 weeks and my mum wouldnt let me get the boat cos it would be a whole day of travelling and she thought it would be too much for me!
I felt so crap on Tuesday, knowing that everyone was there to say goodbye and i couldnt be there! I know my nan would want me to look after myself and my aunt said that i didnt have to be at the funeral to say goodbye cos my nan can hear me wherever she is, but i just felt so sad!
My nan was so cool!! She was one of my favorite people when i was growing up and she was always brilliant to me. She had a stroke 5 years ago and lived with us for 2 years but then went into a home. I always sent her Dublin postcards to tell her what we were getting up to over here, now i really miss being able to do that!! Im sad for the person she used to be, cos more recently she went down hill and wasnt always 100% aware of what was going on around her.
In the past year 4 members of my family have died, obviously my dad was the hardest! I just wish it would stop now! Its not fair that this keeps happening to us! I think that we all deserve a bit of a break now! There's not many of us left now!!!!
At least we have someone really special arriving in 4 weeks (you had better not be late baby!!!) and we're all so excited!! I really really cant wait to just meet the baby now!! Im so excited to know whether its a boy or a girl!! oooooo.....cant wait!!!
Showing posts with label Funeral. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Funeral. Show all posts
Saturday, November 18, 2006
Sunday, April 2, 2006
Maybe it's Because I'm a Londoner
Hello everyone, Im back in London now. Got home last night! I couldnt wait to get home because i missed my mum and chris... but now im home i miss Lee!!! He is coming over on Tuesday and his sister and her kids are coming over on Wednesday!It was really weird flying last night because i was flying home for my dads funeral and it just felt really unreal and strange!! :( I still dont think its properly sunk in yet! Im worried abit that its just gonna come up one day and wack me in the face... cos im over having little moments of being upset at the moment!
When i was on the plane home last saturday it really hit me that my dad is gone. I had a little cry with Lee. I think that it was the fact that i was going back to every day life and that was the end of it, it was all normal and everyone else was getting on with their lives! I got really upset on Sunday night because i was back to work on Monday morning and i was really nervous about getting back into the swing of things! I knew i would be ok once i actually got into work (when you're surrounded by little kids, in a creche, you dont have a choice but to get on with it) but i just didnt want to make the effort and go in!! Lee told me it was normal... i dont want people to forget about my dad! I think thats what upset me most, i know its common and ok to feel this way, but i just felt like getting back to normal was gonna make everyone forget about him!! But everyone talked to me about my dad when i got to work and no one forgot about it!!
Im actually glad that there is 3 weeks between dad dying and his actual funeral. In Ireland people are normally buried with in 3 days. I dont know if i like that though. It took me a week and a half for it to actually register properly in my head that dad had died so if he had already been buried in that time it would've been a massive hit because that would have been everything over and done with and it really would have been just getting on with our lives. At least this way we have had time to really get used to it and it means we can give dad a last present from us by making his funeral EXACTLY what he wanted. Lee told me that when his mum died the funeral was just a blur to him and even now he doesnt remember some bits.... it was all such a rush. At least we can take in the whole day and remember it all! :)
When i was on the plane home last saturday it really hit me that my dad is gone. I had a little cry with Lee. I think that it was the fact that i was going back to every day life and that was the end of it, it was all normal and everyone else was getting on with their lives! I got really upset on Sunday night because i was back to work on Monday morning and i was really nervous about getting back into the swing of things! I knew i would be ok once i actually got into work (when you're surrounded by little kids, in a creche, you dont have a choice but to get on with it) but i just didnt want to make the effort and go in!! Lee told me it was normal... i dont want people to forget about my dad! I think thats what upset me most, i know its common and ok to feel this way, but i just felt like getting back to normal was gonna make everyone forget about him!! But everyone talked to me about my dad when i got to work and no one forgot about it!!
Im actually glad that there is 3 weeks between dad dying and his actual funeral. In Ireland people are normally buried with in 3 days. I dont know if i like that though. It took me a week and a half for it to actually register properly in my head that dad had died so if he had already been buried in that time it would've been a massive hit because that would have been everything over and done with and it really would have been just getting on with our lives. At least this way we have had time to really get used to it and it means we can give dad a last present from us by making his funeral EXACTLY what he wanted. Lee told me that when his mum died the funeral was just a blur to him and even now he doesnt remember some bits.... it was all such a rush. At least we can take in the whole day and remember it all! :)
Sunday, March 19, 2006
My Make-up May Be Flaking.....
Everything is completely surreal!! We're kinda on autopilot!! Im so glad we are so close cos we are talking loads and getting things sorted exactly the way dad wanted them!! We've organised all the funeral and everything! Its not until 3 weeks, which is really crap because i have to go back to Ireland for a week then come back! :( Its strange but half of me is looking forward to it because it is going to be our way of showing just how much he meant to us and there are going to be lots of friends there that we havent seen for ages!!
We're having feelings in waves. One minute we're in fits of laughter thinking about things that we've done and the way Dad was, then the next minute we're crying because something we think about makes us sad!! Its craziness!! It still hasnt really sunk in that my dad is never coming back!! The thing is i may not have dad here physically here but i still have a dad and i know he's here with me!!
We went shopping today for clothes for dads funeral. It was so hard! My mum found it really hard! The first shop we went into was the last place dad went shopping in... He lost loadsa weight so they went shopping to get him some new clothes. He was so proud when he found stuff to fit him. So today it upset my mum, knowing he wasnt ever going to do that again! :( We all got cool clothes.... We're wearing black but we're not being all traditional and sad. My nan died in October and i wore a black hat to cover my pink hair and my dad told me not to wear it because i should just be who i am and it isnt disrespectful because its just me!! So even though im wearing black to dads funeral they are going to be clothes that i'd normally wear. Thats what dad wanted!
We're having feelings in waves. One minute we're in fits of laughter thinking about things that we've done and the way Dad was, then the next minute we're crying because something we think about makes us sad!! Its craziness!! It still hasnt really sunk in that my dad is never coming back!! The thing is i may not have dad here physically here but i still have a dad and i know he's here with me!!
We went shopping today for clothes for dads funeral. It was so hard! My mum found it really hard! The first shop we went into was the last place dad went shopping in... He lost loadsa weight so they went shopping to get him some new clothes. He was so proud when he found stuff to fit him. So today it upset my mum, knowing he wasnt ever going to do that again! :( We all got cool clothes.... We're wearing black but we're not being all traditional and sad. My nan died in October and i wore a black hat to cover my pink hair and my dad told me not to wear it because i should just be who i am and it isnt disrespectful because its just me!! So even though im wearing black to dads funeral they are going to be clothes that i'd normally wear. Thats what dad wanted!
Wednesday, March 15, 2006
9 Pink and Blue Balloons.
Today was a crazy day!!!!!
Firstly we had our regular 2 nurses in this morning, then my uncle turned up on his way to work. Then my mum and dads friend Kim came round and we had a nice chat. She's been round loads since my dad got really sick and its so nice for them to have such good friends! She went in to my dad and was talking to him and he reacted to her abit so we know he can still hear us (they do say that hearing is the last sense to go). Then my Aunt came round, then my grandad. Then the councillor woman came round for a little chat. Then the priest came again.... he gave my dad absolution which is kinda like the CoE version of the Catholic last rights, but not so depressing. We had a nice chinwag and an unhealthy dose of tea and coffee... then it was time to pick all the nutter kids up from school!!
Me and mum were talking today about what songs we think we should have at dads funeral (how freaky is it arranging all this and he isnt even dead yet!!!) and i think we are more or less sorted now! My mum was worried that certain people in his family are going to try to take over all the organising of it, but we have everything done now so their is nothing for them to take over. They havent really been around the whole time my dad was ill so why should they come in and think they have the right to choose whats best for him when he's dead? Its too late then, they should have been around when it mattered!
I have a killer head ache!!! Think it's just cos im tired!! :(
My mum had a really good idea today. She said that we should buy a helium balloon for each one of the kids that she looks after and write their names on them, then tie them all together and have them at the funeral instead of flowers. Its such a cool idea because balloons are such a happy thing and would be a good symbol from the kids to dad! I think we all underestimated the kids when my dad was first diagnosed. We didnt really think about how this would affect them all. A lot of them have been here since they were babies so my dad was always a prominant figure in their lives and they watched him slowly get more sick. None of them have seen him now because he is in bed but they still ask after him and give us hugs to give to him. Sometimes it is so nice to just have a simple conversation with them about it because everything is so black and white and uncomplicated with them.... A nan of one of the boys was diagnosed with breast cancer last week, but his mum doesnt want to tell him she has cancer, she just said that she is sick, because he has seen my dad the whole way through his illness and she knows he'll probably associate cancer with death and hopefully his nan will recover from this but she doesnt want to frighten him.
Firstly we had our regular 2 nurses in this morning, then my uncle turned up on his way to work. Then my mum and dads friend Kim came round and we had a nice chat. She's been round loads since my dad got really sick and its so nice for them to have such good friends! She went in to my dad and was talking to him and he reacted to her abit so we know he can still hear us (they do say that hearing is the last sense to go). Then my Aunt came round, then my grandad. Then the councillor woman came round for a little chat. Then the priest came again.... he gave my dad absolution which is kinda like the CoE version of the Catholic last rights, but not so depressing. We had a nice chinwag and an unhealthy dose of tea and coffee... then it was time to pick all the nutter kids up from school!!
Me and mum were talking today about what songs we think we should have at dads funeral (how freaky is it arranging all this and he isnt even dead yet!!!) and i think we are more or less sorted now! My mum was worried that certain people in his family are going to try to take over all the organising of it, but we have everything done now so their is nothing for them to take over. They havent really been around the whole time my dad was ill so why should they come in and think they have the right to choose whats best for him when he's dead? Its too late then, they should have been around when it mattered!
I have a killer head ache!!! Think it's just cos im tired!! :(
My mum had a really good idea today. She said that we should buy a helium balloon for each one of the kids that she looks after and write their names on them, then tie them all together and have them at the funeral instead of flowers. Its such a cool idea because balloons are such a happy thing and would be a good symbol from the kids to dad! I think we all underestimated the kids when my dad was first diagnosed. We didnt really think about how this would affect them all. A lot of them have been here since they were babies so my dad was always a prominant figure in their lives and they watched him slowly get more sick. None of them have seen him now because he is in bed but they still ask after him and give us hugs to give to him. Sometimes it is so nice to just have a simple conversation with them about it because everything is so black and white and uncomplicated with them.... A nan of one of the boys was diagnosed with breast cancer last week, but his mum doesnt want to tell him she has cancer, she just said that she is sick, because he has seen my dad the whole way through his illness and she knows he'll probably associate cancer with death and hopefully his nan will recover from this but she doesnt want to frighten him.
Tuesday, March 14, 2006
There's Always Someone Worse Off...
Since i started this diary (all of 3 days ago) i've read loads of other peoples. I always believed that no matter how bad off you are there is always someone out there who is worse off than you, so there is no point in feeling sorry for yourself! While i was reading through here i've come across a lot of people who are genuinely in a worse position than me and i know how lucky i am to have all the good things that i have!
Lee has said to me in the past that everybody has to go through the grief of losing somebody, so im not a special case, and i just have to deal with it!! at the time i felt like he was being mean but its only afterwards that i've realised he is actually telling the truth and i dont want people feeling sorry for me or my family and i dont want to feel sorry for myself!
Even though my dad is dying and that is killing me, at least we have millions of memories to look back on! Seriously, my family have done so much together and we've always been really close! Im so proud and happy that i have the family that i have because i've seen how death and sickness can affect other families and literally pull them apart.
Dad has half planned his funeral already! He said that he wants a horse and carriage (like my grandad) and he knows which graveyard he wants to go to. The funeral directors we are going to use, Albins, are originally from where my dad grew up and they know some of our family, they also buried my nan and grandad!! Its a strange world because we used to own a green grocers, which was the first home my brother lived in when he was born, its now a funeral home owned by Albins and that is going to be my dads last resting place... It was my brothers first place and now its going to be my dads last, as well as my grandads!! Its so wierd to think about it like that! My dad was never really religious... he always believed there was something out there but he didnt really go in for all the religion stuff, but he wanted to meet the priest that is going to do his funeral. So the priest has been round twice (and is coming tomorrow) to meet us all and he is really lovely. My dad wanted the priest to know what he was like because he hates the way funerals are so scripted... the priest saying that he's heard the deceased was a lovely person!! WHAT A CROCK OF SHIT!!!
I went to the florist the other day to see if they could make up the wreath i want for my dads funeral... Im getting him a big face of Animal from the Muppets because that was always his nickname and he used to call me Beaker from the Muppets! Its completely surreal ordering flowers for somebody who hasnt even died yett! i've also been thinking about what im going to wear for his funeral!! Its mad what goes through your head when you have nothing else to think about!! My dad was always really proud about how i didnt dress the way everybody else did and he had a moan at me when my nan died because i wore a black hat to cover my pink hair and he didnt want me to. So even though i think im going to wear black for his funeral, its definately not going to be the normal skirt, shirt and jacket crap!!! It sounds real morbid but when Dad was better we talked about his funeral a few times and he was adament that he didnt want it to be all doom and gloom, he said he wanted a FUNeral!!! so even though its going to be the hardest thing any of us have ever done, i know that we're not going to be all depressed and morbid!!!
Lee has said to me in the past that everybody has to go through the grief of losing somebody, so im not a special case, and i just have to deal with it!! at the time i felt like he was being mean but its only afterwards that i've realised he is actually telling the truth and i dont want people feeling sorry for me or my family and i dont want to feel sorry for myself!
Even though my dad is dying and that is killing me, at least we have millions of memories to look back on! Seriously, my family have done so much together and we've always been really close! Im so proud and happy that i have the family that i have because i've seen how death and sickness can affect other families and literally pull them apart.
Dad has half planned his funeral already! He said that he wants a horse and carriage (like my grandad) and he knows which graveyard he wants to go to. The funeral directors we are going to use, Albins, are originally from where my dad grew up and they know some of our family, they also buried my nan and grandad!! Its a strange world because we used to own a green grocers, which was the first home my brother lived in when he was born, its now a funeral home owned by Albins and that is going to be my dads last resting place... It was my brothers first place and now its going to be my dads last, as well as my grandads!! Its so wierd to think about it like that! My dad was never really religious... he always believed there was something out there but he didnt really go in for all the religion stuff, but he wanted to meet the priest that is going to do his funeral. So the priest has been round twice (and is coming tomorrow) to meet us all and he is really lovely. My dad wanted the priest to know what he was like because he hates the way funerals are so scripted... the priest saying that he's heard the deceased was a lovely person!! WHAT A CROCK OF SHIT!!!
I went to the florist the other day to see if they could make up the wreath i want for my dads funeral... Im getting him a big face of Animal from the Muppets because that was always his nickname and he used to call me Beaker from the Muppets! Its completely surreal ordering flowers for somebody who hasnt even died yett! i've also been thinking about what im going to wear for his funeral!! Its mad what goes through your head when you have nothing else to think about!! My dad was always really proud about how i didnt dress the way everybody else did and he had a moan at me when my nan died because i wore a black hat to cover my pink hair and he didnt want me to. So even though i think im going to wear black for his funeral, its definately not going to be the normal skirt, shirt and jacket crap!!! It sounds real morbid but when Dad was better we talked about his funeral a few times and he was adament that he didnt want it to be all doom and gloom, he said he wanted a FUNeral!!! so even though its going to be the hardest thing any of us have ever done, i know that we're not going to be all depressed and morbid!!!
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