Oh why is life so hard!

My mum's boyfriend, M, does my brother (C) and my boyfriend (lee's) heads in. They moan to me telling me what he's doing blah blah blah, but what am i supposed to do about it all!!?? It's as if they moan to me and expect me to sort it all out.

Yeah, ok WE should all be talking to Mum and telling her what we think. But i dont want to make anything bad, i dont want her to feel awkward or like her kids are unhappy with her! I dont want things to be worse than they are! She's been through so much in the past (with deaths, caring for family members, me moving to another country etc) that i just want her to be happy now.

I can deal with M. I dont let him interrupt me anymore or change my arrangements. I dont think he's as bad as C and L do. They think he does things on purpose to block us all out because he doesn't like us being around! I dont know if this is true. I can see how hard it would be to come into a family as close as ours and just try to fit in! We have our own way of doing things, talking to each other etc. It must be hard to come into that and kinda feel like your 'replacing' someone who's died! But at the end of the day, we're here whether he likes it or not so it's tough!

I can come back home and not see him for a few weeks/months till i go back again! But C has to be around him all the time, especially now that he's moving in to the house. C is 19 so should be able to talk about what he thinks! Every step of the way he has been asked how he feels about things, does he mind, how is he etc. But he wont say anything, just grunts 'yeah', that's it! I try to talk to him too but he doesn't tell me anything! So he just bitches to me about how I should be doing stuff about it, gets drunk and then gets upset, but wont do anything for real!!!

Lee's fighting with me because im just trying to get on with things but he thinks i should be talking to mum to sort it all out! Why is everything always on my shoulders! I can't deal with it! I want everyone to be happy!!!! Is that ever going to happen!!!

Kids are insane...

This house is nuts.... i've decided!! The floor is covered with a Playmobile zoo, which no matter how many times you try to tidy it up and make it actually look like a zoo, the kids manage to wreck it all and make it look like an animal murder scene!!! Plus now im being made to suffer the pain that is CBeebies!!! Help me god!!!!
Dad had another loopy night of trying to get up and just general fidgeting! So mum phoned the night nurses and they came out and gave him some more sedative, just to calm him down. That was at about 4 but by 7 he had decided that he wanted to get up and leap about... except he cant so he ended up sitting on the floor beside the bed... me and mum tried to get him back into bed but mum has a bad back and dad couldnt do anything, so me and Chrisy did it. He's in bed now and hasnt moved all morning! Poor mum, she's been up all night and now she is working! :(
The doctor just came in a while ago and she told us that she thinks dad only has a short time left. What do you say when someone tells you that!? Mum is scared now.... its hard when something like this is happening even though you know its going to!!! I know we'll all be ok though because we're a pretty strong family and we all look out for each other and we all have brilliant mates who are there for us! :)
Even though Dad is sedated he is still vaguely aware of what is going on. I went up to him a minute ago, just to see if he is alright! I asked him if he was ok and he's trying to talk but he's impossible to understand!! Its so hard leaving the room afterwards because i was thinking is there something he is trying to say that i cant understand!!! Is it important or is it nonsense again? Its such an empty feeling because im useless!

My Poor Little Pops

The nurses have upped dads drugs now so he is more sedated now that he was, so he is calmer!
My mum is feeling really guilty now because he is so sedated! She is worried that this is the last time he'll know we're around but its better that he doesnt know anything than him knowing we're there but being frustrated!! Its so hard and it still feels like its a completely different world, it doesnt seem real!!
The nurses went through what we have to do when Dad dies, we've had to get the number of the GP and the funeral directors at hand just incase! It seems crazy to be doing all that cos its still not sinking in yet that he's going to die. I dont think it's going to hit me until it actually happens. He originally decided that he wanted to go into the hospice to die but when he got more sick he was scared to go in... It was the final stage for him, so he decided to stay at home, which my mum was completely fine with.
He is literally sleeping all the time now! I feel so useless when i look at him and i feel so sorry for the fact that he cant do anything anymore! My mum is so upset today. It must be so hard for her, watching the man she loves dying. They've been together longer than they have been apart! They got married when they were 18 and knew each other from when they were about 13!! I would be devastated if i lost Lee and we've only been together for 4 years, so i cant even imagine how she feels now she is losing dad after all these years!! I know she'll be ok though because she is the most amazingly strong person in the whole world and i am so proud of her and im glad i have her to look after me and me to look after her!! :)