Last time in London as non-parents

Just got home to London and im so happy to see my mum and Chris but im really not looking forward to tomorrow, feel like we're wasting a whole day on that stupid wedding when we could be doing other stuff!!!! Ahhhh!!!!
My brother felt the baby kick tonight but every time mum tried to feel it it stopped moving! She's preying it kicks her before we go home on sunday!! Im sure it will... i'll send it 'kick her' vibes!!
My back is killing me from sitting on the aeroplane and the trains!! Its always hurting me now, probably something to do with the fact that i have a big heavy beach ball attached to my belly!! Hehe!
We were thinking earlier that this is the last time im going to be back home without the baby. Next time i set foot in London im going to be a mummy. Its amazing!! Its still not sinking in 100%, we've only got 15 weeks left until we're officially parents.
We had a check up this morning and Lee heard the baby's heart beating for the first time, he was amazed!! He still cant get over it. Its so lovely sharing this with him, he makes me feel so special and i think that we're both so lucky to be able to share this with each other. I really cant wait to meet our tiny little person now!!!!!!!

My Speech

This is my little speech for my dads funeral on Thursday;

I found writing this really hard. How do you write about one of the most important people in your life? Someone who has always been there no matter what and who gave you complete unconditional love…
I remember the first time I realised that we all die. I was watching a program with dad on the Egyptian mummies and I got really upset because I didn’t want my family to die. Dad gave me a cuddle and told me that when I was older I would understand, that made me feel better and I was happy with the fact that I’d go to heaven and be able to meet Freddie Mercury!!!! I hope Dads up there now with him because it was his music that we loved. Me, Dad and Chris would put Queen CDs on at full blast, while mum was at work on Sundays, and sing and dance in the dark. To this day Queen are my favourite band because their music holds such special memories for me.
Dad told me and Chris to play ‘The Show Must Go On’ today. That truly was his philosophy to everything, including his illness. He never gave in, even when me and him were arguing. We were both so stubborn, if he was right, I was righter and neither of us would back down!! He fought against his illness right up till the day before he died. The song says ‘I’ll face it with a grin, I’m never giving in’ and that’s exactly what dad did, with his cheeky smile. We all talked a lot about today before dad died. He didn’t want today to be all depressing and sad. He wanted it to be a FUNeral, not a funeral. I’m so proud of him, how he kept on cracking jokes and fought it so hard because he didn’t want to leave us.
A few weeks before he died he asked me if me and Chris blamed him for being sick because he smoked. Even when he was really sick he still thought about us and felt guilty. We could never blame him. He was so strong and didn’t deserve to be ill. He looked after us our whole lives and never let us down, how would we be able to blame him.
Even though Dad has died I still believe that I have a dad. He’s alive in our memories and when we talk about him. He helped turn me into who I am and I’m glad that I have the same annoying traits as him. No matter what happens he’s always there in who I am.

Dad, as Freddie Mercury said ‘your soul is painted like the wings of butterflies’, enjoy it up there and keep looking after us.

I'll Face It With a Grin...

Empty spaces - what are we living for
Abandoned places - I guess we know the score
On and on, does anybody know what we are looking for...
Another hero, another mindless crime
Behind the curtain, in the pantomime
Hold the line, does anybody want to take it anymore

The show must go on,
Inside my heart is breaking
My make-up may be flaking
But my smile still stays on
Whatever happens,
I'll leave it all to chance
Another heartache, another failed romance
On and on, does anybody know what we are living for?
I guess I'm learning
I must be warmer now
I'll soon be turning
Round the corner now
Outside the dawn is breaking
But inside in the dark
I'm aching to be free....

The show must go on,
The show must go on,
Inside my heart is breaking
My make-up may be flaking
But my smile still stays on.

My soul is painted like the wings of butterflies
Fairytales of yesterday will grow but never die
I can fly - my friends
The show must go on

The show must go on
I'll face it with a grin
I'm never giving in
On with the show

I'll top the bill,
I'll overkill
I have to find the will to carry on
On with the show
On with the show
The show must go on.

There's Always Someone Worse Off...

Since i started this diary (all of 3 days ago) i've read loads of other peoples. I always believed that no matter how bad off you are there is always someone out there who is worse off than you, so there is no point in feeling sorry for yourself! While i was reading through here i've come across a lot of people who are genuinely in a worse position than me and i know how lucky i am to have all the good things that i have!
Lee has said to me in the past that everybody has to go through the grief of losing somebody, so im not a special case, and i just have to deal with it!! at the time i felt like he was being mean but its only afterwards that i've realised he is actually telling the truth and i dont want people feeling sorry for me or my family and i dont want to feel sorry for myself!
Even though my dad is dying and that is killing me, at least we have millions of memories to look back on! Seriously, my family have done so much together and we've always been really close! Im so proud and happy that i have the family that i have because i've seen how death and sickness can affect other families and literally pull them apart.
Dad has half planned his funeral already! He said that he wants a horse and carriage (like my grandad) and he knows which graveyard he wants to go to. The funeral directors we are going to use, Albins, are originally from where my dad grew up and they know some of our family, they also buried my nan and grandad!! Its a strange world because we used to own a green grocers, which was the first home my brother lived in when he was born, its now a funeral home owned by Albins and that is going to be my dads last resting place... It was my brothers first place and now its going to be my dads last, as well as my grandads!! Its so wierd to think about it like that! My dad was never really religious... he always believed there was something out there but he didnt really go in for all the religion stuff, but he wanted to meet the priest that is going to do his funeral. So the priest has been round twice (and is coming tomorrow) to meet us all and he is really lovely. My dad wanted the priest to know what he was like because he hates the way funerals are so scripted... the priest saying that he's heard the deceased was a lovely person!! WHAT A CROCK OF SHIT!!!
I went to the florist the other day to see if they could make up the wreath i want for my dads funeral... Im getting him a big face of Animal from the Muppets because that was always his nickname and he used to call me Beaker from the Muppets! Its completely surreal ordering flowers for somebody who hasnt even died yett! i've also been thinking about what im going to wear for his funeral!! Its mad what goes through your head when you have nothing else to think about!! My dad was always really proud about how i didnt dress the way everybody else did and he had a moan at me when my nan died because i wore a black hat to cover my pink hair and he didnt want me to. So even though i think im going to wear black for his funeral, its definately not going to be the normal skirt, shirt and jacket crap!!! It sounds real morbid but when Dad was better we talked about his funeral a few times and he was adament that he didnt want it to be all doom and gloom, he said he wanted a FUNeral!!! so even though its going to be the hardest thing any of us have ever done, i know that we're not going to be all depressed and morbid!!!

My Poor Little Pops

The nurses have upped dads drugs now so he is more sedated now that he was, so he is calmer!
My mum is feeling really guilty now because he is so sedated! She is worried that this is the last time he'll know we're around but its better that he doesnt know anything than him knowing we're there but being frustrated!! Its so hard and it still feels like its a completely different world, it doesnt seem real!!
The nurses went through what we have to do when Dad dies, we've had to get the number of the GP and the funeral directors at hand just incase! It seems crazy to be doing all that cos its still not sinking in yet that he's going to die. I dont think it's going to hit me until it actually happens. He originally decided that he wanted to go into the hospice to die but when he got more sick he was scared to go in... It was the final stage for him, so he decided to stay at home, which my mum was completely fine with.
He is literally sleeping all the time now! I feel so useless when i look at him and i feel so sorry for the fact that he cant do anything anymore! My mum is so upset today. It must be so hard for her, watching the man she loves dying. They've been together longer than they have been apart! They got married when they were 18 and knew each other from when they were about 13!! I would be devastated if i lost Lee and we've only been together for 4 years, so i cant even imagine how she feels now she is losing dad after all these years!! I know she'll be ok though because she is the most amazingly strong person in the whole world and i am so proud of her and im glad i have her to look after me and me to look after her!! :)