Oh why is life so hard!

My mum's boyfriend, M, does my brother (C) and my boyfriend (lee's) heads in. They moan to me telling me what he's doing blah blah blah, but what am i supposed to do about it all!!?? It's as if they moan to me and expect me to sort it all out.

Yeah, ok WE should all be talking to Mum and telling her what we think. But i dont want to make anything bad, i dont want her to feel awkward or like her kids are unhappy with her! I dont want things to be worse than they are! She's been through so much in the past (with deaths, caring for family members, me moving to another country etc) that i just want her to be happy now.

I can deal with M. I dont let him interrupt me anymore or change my arrangements. I dont think he's as bad as C and L do. They think he does things on purpose to block us all out because he doesn't like us being around! I dont know if this is true. I can see how hard it would be to come into a family as close as ours and just try to fit in! We have our own way of doing things, talking to each other etc. It must be hard to come into that and kinda feel like your 'replacing' someone who's died! But at the end of the day, we're here whether he likes it or not so it's tough!

I can come back home and not see him for a few weeks/months till i go back again! But C has to be around him all the time, especially now that he's moving in to the house. C is 19 so should be able to talk about what he thinks! Every step of the way he has been asked how he feels about things, does he mind, how is he etc. But he wont say anything, just grunts 'yeah', that's it! I try to talk to him too but he doesn't tell me anything! So he just bitches to me about how I should be doing stuff about it, gets drunk and then gets upset, but wont do anything for real!!!

Lee's fighting with me because im just trying to get on with things but he thinks i should be talking to mum to sort it all out! Why is everything always on my shoulders! I can't deal with it! I want everyone to be happy!!!! Is that ever going to happen!!!

My little Nan

My nan died on the 31st October (She picked a crazy day!!!!!)
Her funeral was on 14th and i couldnt go cos it was back home and im not allowed to fly now cos im over 32 weeks and my mum wouldnt let me get the boat cos it would be a whole day of travelling and she thought it would be too much for me!
I felt so crap on Tuesday, knowing that everyone was there to say goodbye and i couldnt be there! I know my nan would want me to look after myself and my aunt said that i didnt have to be at the funeral to say goodbye cos my nan can hear me wherever she is, but i just felt so sad!

My nan was so cool!! She was one of my favorite people when i was growing up and she was always brilliant to me. She had a stroke 5 years ago and lived with us for 2 years but then went into a home. I always sent her Dublin postcards to tell her what we were getting up to over here, now i really miss being able to do that!! Im sad for the person she used to be, cos more recently she went down hill and wasnt always 100% aware of what was going on around her.
In the past year 4 members of my family have died, obviously my dad was the hardest! I just wish it would stop now! Its not fair that this keeps happening to us! I think that we all deserve a bit of a break now! There's not many of us left now!!!!
At least we have someone really special arriving in 4 weeks (you had better not be late baby!!!) and we're all so excited!! I really really cant wait to just meet the baby now!! Im so excited to know whether its a boy or a girl!! oooooo.....cant wait!!!

Last time in London as non-parents

Just got home to London and im so happy to see my mum and Chris but im really not looking forward to tomorrow, feel like we're wasting a whole day on that stupid wedding when we could be doing other stuff!!!! Ahhhh!!!!
My brother felt the baby kick tonight but every time mum tried to feel it it stopped moving! She's preying it kicks her before we go home on sunday!! Im sure it will... i'll send it 'kick her' vibes!!
My back is killing me from sitting on the aeroplane and the trains!! Its always hurting me now, probably something to do with the fact that i have a big heavy beach ball attached to my belly!! Hehe!
We were thinking earlier that this is the last time im going to be back home without the baby. Next time i set foot in London im going to be a mummy. Its amazing!! Its still not sinking in 100%, we've only got 15 weeks left until we're officially parents.
We had a check up this morning and Lee heard the baby's heart beating for the first time, he was amazed!! He still cant get over it. Its so lovely sharing this with him, he makes me feel so special and i think that we're both so lucky to be able to share this with each other. I really cant wait to meet our tiny little person now!!!!!!!

There's Always Someone Worse Off...

Since i started this diary (all of 3 days ago) i've read loads of other peoples. I always believed that no matter how bad off you are there is always someone out there who is worse off than you, so there is no point in feeling sorry for yourself! While i was reading through here i've come across a lot of people who are genuinely in a worse position than me and i know how lucky i am to have all the good things that i have!
Lee has said to me in the past that everybody has to go through the grief of losing somebody, so im not a special case, and i just have to deal with it!! at the time i felt like he was being mean but its only afterwards that i've realised he is actually telling the truth and i dont want people feeling sorry for me or my family and i dont want to feel sorry for myself!
Even though my dad is dying and that is killing me, at least we have millions of memories to look back on! Seriously, my family have done so much together and we've always been really close! Im so proud and happy that i have the family that i have because i've seen how death and sickness can affect other families and literally pull them apart.
Dad has half planned his funeral already! He said that he wants a horse and carriage (like my grandad) and he knows which graveyard he wants to go to. The funeral directors we are going to use, Albins, are originally from where my dad grew up and they know some of our family, they also buried my nan and grandad!! Its a strange world because we used to own a green grocers, which was the first home my brother lived in when he was born, its now a funeral home owned by Albins and that is going to be my dads last resting place... It was my brothers first place and now its going to be my dads last, as well as my grandads!! Its so wierd to think about it like that! My dad was never really religious... he always believed there was something out there but he didnt really go in for all the religion stuff, but he wanted to meet the priest that is going to do his funeral. So the priest has been round twice (and is coming tomorrow) to meet us all and he is really lovely. My dad wanted the priest to know what he was like because he hates the way funerals are so scripted... the priest saying that he's heard the deceased was a lovely person!! WHAT A CROCK OF SHIT!!!
I went to the florist the other day to see if they could make up the wreath i want for my dads funeral... Im getting him a big face of Animal from the Muppets because that was always his nickname and he used to call me Beaker from the Muppets! Its completely surreal ordering flowers for somebody who hasnt even died yett! i've also been thinking about what im going to wear for his funeral!! Its mad what goes through your head when you have nothing else to think about!! My dad was always really proud about how i didnt dress the way everybody else did and he had a moan at me when my nan died because i wore a black hat to cover my pink hair and he didnt want me to. So even though i think im going to wear black for his funeral, its definately not going to be the normal skirt, shirt and jacket crap!!! It sounds real morbid but when Dad was better we talked about his funeral a few times and he was adament that he didnt want it to be all doom and gloom, he said he wanted a FUNeral!!! so even though its going to be the hardest thing any of us have ever done, i know that we're not going to be all depressed and morbid!!!