My nan died on the 31st October (She picked a crazy day!!!!!)
Her funeral was on 14th and i couldnt go cos it was back home and im not allowed to fly now cos im over 32 weeks and my mum wouldnt let me get the boat cos it would be a whole day of travelling and she thought it would be too much for me!
I felt so crap on Tuesday, knowing that everyone was there to say goodbye and i couldnt be there! I know my nan would want me to look after myself and my aunt said that i didnt have to be at the funeral to say goodbye cos my nan can hear me wherever she is, but i just felt so sad!
My nan was so cool!! She was one of my favorite people when i was growing up and she was always brilliant to me. She had a stroke 5 years ago and lived with us for 2 years but then went into a home. I always sent her Dublin postcards to tell her what we were getting up to over here, now i really miss being able to do that!! Im sad for the person she used to be, cos more recently she went down hill and wasnt always 100% aware of what was going on around her.
In the past year 4 members of my family have died, obviously my dad was the hardest! I just wish it would stop now! Its not fair that this keeps happening to us! I think that we all deserve a bit of a break now! There's not many of us left now!!!!
At least we have someone really special arriving in 4 weeks (you had better not be late baby!!!) and we're all so excited!! I really really cant wait to just meet the baby now!! Im so excited to know whether its a boy or a girl!! oooooo.....cant wait!!!
Showing posts with label Feeling Sad. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Feeling Sad. Show all posts
Saturday, November 18, 2006
Sunday, April 2, 2006
My Speech
This is my little speech for my dads funeral on Thursday;
I found writing this really hard. How do you write about one of the most important people in your life? Someone who has always been there no matter what and who gave you complete unconditional love…
I remember the first time I realised that we all die. I was watching a program with dad on the Egyptian mummies and I got really upset because I didn’t want my family to die. Dad gave me a cuddle and told me that when I was older I would understand, that made me feel better and I was happy with the fact that I’d go to heaven and be able to meet Freddie Mercury!!!! I hope Dads up there now with him because it was his music that we loved. Me, Dad and Chris would put Queen CDs on at full blast, while mum was at work on Sundays, and sing and dance in the dark. To this day Queen are my favourite band because their music holds such special memories for me.
Dad told me and Chris to play ‘The Show Must Go On’ today. That truly was his philosophy to everything, including his illness. He never gave in, even when me and him were arguing. We were both so stubborn, if he was right, I was righter and neither of us would back down!! He fought against his illness right up till the day before he died. The song says ‘I’ll face it with a grin, I’m never giving in’ and that’s exactly what dad did, with his cheeky smile. We all talked a lot about today before dad died. He didn’t want today to be all depressing and sad. He wanted it to be a FUNeral, not a funeral. I’m so proud of him, how he kept on cracking jokes and fought it so hard because he didn’t want to leave us.
A few weeks before he died he asked me if me and Chris blamed him for being sick because he smoked. Even when he was really sick he still thought about us and felt guilty. We could never blame him. He was so strong and didn’t deserve to be ill. He looked after us our whole lives and never let us down, how would we be able to blame him.
Even though Dad has died I still believe that I have a dad. He’s alive in our memories and when we talk about him. He helped turn me into who I am and I’m glad that I have the same annoying traits as him. No matter what happens he’s always there in who I am.
Dad, as Freddie Mercury said ‘your soul is painted like the wings of butterflies’, enjoy it up there and keep looking after us.
I found writing this really hard. How do you write about one of the most important people in your life? Someone who has always been there no matter what and who gave you complete unconditional love…
I remember the first time I realised that we all die. I was watching a program with dad on the Egyptian mummies and I got really upset because I didn’t want my family to die. Dad gave me a cuddle and told me that when I was older I would understand, that made me feel better and I was happy with the fact that I’d go to heaven and be able to meet Freddie Mercury!!!! I hope Dads up there now with him because it was his music that we loved. Me, Dad and Chris would put Queen CDs on at full blast, while mum was at work on Sundays, and sing and dance in the dark. To this day Queen are my favourite band because their music holds such special memories for me.
Dad told me and Chris to play ‘The Show Must Go On’ today. That truly was his philosophy to everything, including his illness. He never gave in, even when me and him were arguing. We were both so stubborn, if he was right, I was righter and neither of us would back down!! He fought against his illness right up till the day before he died. The song says ‘I’ll face it with a grin, I’m never giving in’ and that’s exactly what dad did, with his cheeky smile. We all talked a lot about today before dad died. He didn’t want today to be all depressing and sad. He wanted it to be a FUNeral, not a funeral. I’m so proud of him, how he kept on cracking jokes and fought it so hard because he didn’t want to leave us.
A few weeks before he died he asked me if me and Chris blamed him for being sick because he smoked. Even when he was really sick he still thought about us and felt guilty. We could never blame him. He was so strong and didn’t deserve to be ill. He looked after us our whole lives and never let us down, how would we be able to blame him.
Even though Dad has died I still believe that I have a dad. He’s alive in our memories and when we talk about him. He helped turn me into who I am and I’m glad that I have the same annoying traits as him. No matter what happens he’s always there in who I am.
Dad, as Freddie Mercury said ‘your soul is painted like the wings of butterflies’, enjoy it up there and keep looking after us.
Maybe it's Because I'm a Londoner
Hello everyone, Im back in London now. Got home last night! I couldnt wait to get home because i missed my mum and chris... but now im home i miss Lee!!! He is coming over on Tuesday and his sister and her kids are coming over on Wednesday!It was really weird flying last night because i was flying home for my dads funeral and it just felt really unreal and strange!! :( I still dont think its properly sunk in yet! Im worried abit that its just gonna come up one day and wack me in the face... cos im over having little moments of being upset at the moment!
When i was on the plane home last saturday it really hit me that my dad is gone. I had a little cry with Lee. I think that it was the fact that i was going back to every day life and that was the end of it, it was all normal and everyone else was getting on with their lives! I got really upset on Sunday night because i was back to work on Monday morning and i was really nervous about getting back into the swing of things! I knew i would be ok once i actually got into work (when you're surrounded by little kids, in a creche, you dont have a choice but to get on with it) but i just didnt want to make the effort and go in!! Lee told me it was normal... i dont want people to forget about my dad! I think thats what upset me most, i know its common and ok to feel this way, but i just felt like getting back to normal was gonna make everyone forget about him!! But everyone talked to me about my dad when i got to work and no one forgot about it!!
Im actually glad that there is 3 weeks between dad dying and his actual funeral. In Ireland people are normally buried with in 3 days. I dont know if i like that though. It took me a week and a half for it to actually register properly in my head that dad had died so if he had already been buried in that time it would've been a massive hit because that would have been everything over and done with and it really would have been just getting on with our lives. At least this way we have had time to really get used to it and it means we can give dad a last present from us by making his funeral EXACTLY what he wanted. Lee told me that when his mum died the funeral was just a blur to him and even now he doesnt remember some bits.... it was all such a rush. At least we can take in the whole day and remember it all! :)
When i was on the plane home last saturday it really hit me that my dad is gone. I had a little cry with Lee. I think that it was the fact that i was going back to every day life and that was the end of it, it was all normal and everyone else was getting on with their lives! I got really upset on Sunday night because i was back to work on Monday morning and i was really nervous about getting back into the swing of things! I knew i would be ok once i actually got into work (when you're surrounded by little kids, in a creche, you dont have a choice but to get on with it) but i just didnt want to make the effort and go in!! Lee told me it was normal... i dont want people to forget about my dad! I think thats what upset me most, i know its common and ok to feel this way, but i just felt like getting back to normal was gonna make everyone forget about him!! But everyone talked to me about my dad when i got to work and no one forgot about it!!
Im actually glad that there is 3 weeks between dad dying and his actual funeral. In Ireland people are normally buried with in 3 days. I dont know if i like that though. It took me a week and a half for it to actually register properly in my head that dad had died so if he had already been buried in that time it would've been a massive hit because that would have been everything over and done with and it really would have been just getting on with our lives. At least this way we have had time to really get used to it and it means we can give dad a last present from us by making his funeral EXACTLY what he wanted. Lee told me that when his mum died the funeral was just a blur to him and even now he doesnt remember some bits.... it was all such a rush. At least we can take in the whole day and remember it all! :)
Monday, March 13, 2006
My Poor Little Pops
The nurses have upped dads drugs now so he is more sedated now that he was, so he is calmer!
My mum is feeling really guilty now because he is so sedated! She is worried that this is the last time he'll know we're around but its better that he doesnt know anything than him knowing we're there but being frustrated!! Its so hard and it still feels like its a completely different world, it doesnt seem real!!
The nurses went through what we have to do when Dad dies, we've had to get the number of the GP and the funeral directors at hand just incase! It seems crazy to be doing all that cos its still not sinking in yet that he's going to die. I dont think it's going to hit me until it actually happens. He originally decided that he wanted to go into the hospice to die but when he got more sick he was scared to go in... It was the final stage for him, so he decided to stay at home, which my mum was completely fine with.
He is literally sleeping all the time now! I feel so useless when i look at him and i feel so sorry for the fact that he cant do anything anymore! My mum is so upset today. It must be so hard for her, watching the man she loves dying. They've been together longer than they have been apart! They got married when they were 18 and knew each other from when they were about 13!! I would be devastated if i lost Lee and we've only been together for 4 years, so i cant even imagine how she feels now she is losing dad after all these years!! I know she'll be ok though because she is the most amazingly strong person in the whole world and i am so proud of her and im glad i have her to look after me and me to look after her!! :)
My mum is feeling really guilty now because he is so sedated! She is worried that this is the last time he'll know we're around but its better that he doesnt know anything than him knowing we're there but being frustrated!! Its so hard and it still feels like its a completely different world, it doesnt seem real!!
The nurses went through what we have to do when Dad dies, we've had to get the number of the GP and the funeral directors at hand just incase! It seems crazy to be doing all that cos its still not sinking in yet that he's going to die. I dont think it's going to hit me until it actually happens. He originally decided that he wanted to go into the hospice to die but when he got more sick he was scared to go in... It was the final stage for him, so he decided to stay at home, which my mum was completely fine with.
He is literally sleeping all the time now! I feel so useless when i look at him and i feel so sorry for the fact that he cant do anything anymore! My mum is so upset today. It must be so hard for her, watching the man she loves dying. They've been together longer than they have been apart! They got married when they were 18 and knew each other from when they were about 13!! I would be devastated if i lost Lee and we've only been together for 4 years, so i cant even imagine how she feels now she is losing dad after all these years!! I know she'll be ok though because she is the most amazingly strong person in the whole world and i am so proud of her and im glad i have her to look after me and me to look after her!! :)
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